


Inside Out

by SoloChaos



Series: Inside Out, Upside Down, and Rightside Up [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Really an Eating Disorder, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm (not cutting)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 16:46:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Tyler's hands shake and he feels weak with fatigue, but he just drinks a few glasses of water and sits down and he's fine. </p><p>He's fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inside Out

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: the narrator suffers from a serious case of self-loathing and hurts himself in a way similar to bulimia. If you suffered or suffer from self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, or an eating disorder, please do not read ahead.

It's not like Tyler's addicted.

He's not even sure if shoving a finger down your own throat is an addiction.

But he doesn't do it compulsively. Just sometimes, if he's if he's fucked things up and he can't figure out a better way to punish himself. Throwing up hurts, it burns and it makes him gag and choke. It's bitter, it's quick, and it's perfect.

It's never gone out of hand.

He can manage it.

  

* * *

 

"Hey, you okay?" Josh asks as Tyler emerges from the bathroom. "You look a little sick."

"I think I'm coming down with something," Tyler lies.

"We can cancel tonight's show if you need it," Josh offers, resting a hand on Tyler forehead.

"No, I'm fine," Tyler says.

  

* * *

 

Tyler's never sure what Josh sees when he looks at him.

Josh has a way of staring deep in you, making you feel somewhat exposed, but never indecent or uncomfortable.

Josh always looks at Tyler a little sadly, but Tyler doesn't think that Josh even knows why. Tyler doesn't know why, either.

  

* * *

 

The first time he ever did it, he was sixteen and just kissed his first boy.

He'd woken up with an awful hangover, but all he could taste was that boy's lips. He vomited, right there, because he wasn't a fag, wasn't a freak.

He makes himself throw up for every boy he kisses.

(He throws up nine times within the first month.)

 

* * *

 

He might be a little in love with his best friend.

  

* * *

 

Tyler eventually stopped throwing up for every boy he kissed. He eventually realized that he's gay.

It took too long, though, and now he throws up when he does other stupid things.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Tyler's hands shake and he feels weak with fatigue, but he just drinks a few glasses of water and he's sits down and he's fine.

He's fine.

 

* * *

 

Tyler's a little tipsy, but not tipsy enough for it to be an excuse.

He and Josh are sitting in some greenroom after a show when Tyler just leans in and kisses Josh, apropos of nothing.

They both sit and stare at each other for a long moment before Tyler's brain catches up to him, and he stammers out an apology before fleeing.

 _Stupid, so stupid!_ he berates himself as he rushes to the bathroom. His hands are clenched into fists, and he feels his nails digging into his skin.

Tyler doesn't even lock the door. He just collapses and sticks his fingers down his throat, because he did it, he fucked it up, he ruined the best thing he's ever had.

He hears the bathroom door creak open, and Josh says, "Tyler?"

 

* * *

 

He's collapsed in the bathroom stall, sobbing, because everything's a mess and Josh is here to see. Josh, perfect, gorgeous Josh. Tyler will never have anyone like Josh, because he's a disgusting freak and no one will ever love him.

But Josh, Josh is speaking softly and holding him close, not caring about the vomit that's all over Tyler's fingers and shirt. Not caring about the way Tyler's sobbing openly into his chest and staining his shirt with tears. Not caring about the way Tyler's blood stains his jeans. Tyler's falling apart, and Josh is still here.

"It's okay, everything's okay," Josh is murmuring to Tyler, who's shaking and sobbing.

"I'm sorry," Tyler gasps. "I'm so, so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Josh says firmly. _"Nothing."_

Josh sounds like he believes it, and Tyler cries because it isn't true.

 

* * *

 

Josh finally gets Tyler off the bathroom floor and cleans them up the best he can. Tyler's hands keep on bleeding from where his nails dug into his palms, and the same blood is stained on both of their clothes. Josh doesn't seem to care. He seems preoccupied with washing the puke off of Tyler's hand and shirt, and gently wiping Tyler's face with a wet paper towel. Tyler just feels numb, frozen.  

"Okay?" Josh says softly once he's done, tossing the paper towel into the trash.

"Yeah," Tyler says hoarsely. "I'm fine."

Josh stares at him for a moment before wrapping his arms around Tyler. "Talk to me," he whispers. "Let me in. Please."

Tyler closes his eyes. "Later," he says quietly.

 

* * *

 

Tyler's showered and changed into fresh clothes when Josh curls up with him on his hotel bed.

"Talk to me?" Josh asks, squeezing his now-bandaged hand.

"What do you want to know?" Tyler asks, eyes closed.

"Anything," Josh says. "Tell me anything."

And Tyler opens his mouth and tells him about high school, about everything that Josh never heard. About basketball and creative writing and choir. About his mom and dad and brothers and sister. About kissing girls sober and kissing guys drunk.

"It- started then," Tyler says hollowly. "Sort of a- method of punishment, in a sense. When I'd fuck things up. I always do."

"You don't," Josh says softly.

"I do," Tyler insists. "I always do." He closes his eyes. "It was... therapeutic, in a sense. Like getting rid of the twisted-up parts in me." He sighs. "I know it's stupid, but..." Oh God, he's starting to cry. Fuck. "I can't stop, Josh. It's like I'm... I'm trapped." He's starting to cry again, harsh, like each sob is being ripped forcefully from his body. "I can't- I c-can't stop, but it _h-hurts..."_

"It's okay, it's okay," Josh says soothingly. He wraps his arms around Tyler, tucking Tyler's head underneath is chin. "You're okay here."

Tyler's crying into Josh's neck, and oh, isn't this horribly reminiscent of the past few hours? There seems to be a pattern of some sort. "I hate this," Tyler chokes out. "I've trapped myself into this, I've trapped myself into my own personal hell because I'm _so stupid_ , god..."

"Tyler, Tyler," Josh says a little frantically, because Tyler's fingernails have given up on his palms and have started to draw blood from his cheeks. He hadn't even noticed until Josh pulled his hands away from his face, and isn't this just delightfully self-destructive? "Tyler, you aren't stupid, you don't fuck everything up. I think you're brilliant," Josh says firmly. "I think you're amazing, and beautiful, and I love you, okay?"

Tyler's speechless, and Josh looks a little startled too.

"You love me?" Tyler whispers.

 _"Yes,"_ Josh says. "I do."

And oh, fuck, Tyler's crying again.

 

* * *

 

Tyler wakes up with his face still pressed against Josh's neck. Josh is running fingers through his hair, humming absentmindedly.

"Morning," Josh says softly as Tyler pulls back.

"Morning," Tyler echoes. He scrubs a hand over his face. "What time is it?"

"Nine-" Josh cranes his head back, "forty-six."

Tyler blinks.

"You had a rough night," Josh says.

"Yeah," Tyler says, voice still harsh with sleep. "And you were here all this time?"

"Truth be told, I didn't wake up very long ago," Josh says. He shifts a little, and Tyler realizes that their limbs are still tangled up in each other's. Josh doesn't seem to mind though, so Tyler doesn't move. "Besides," Josh adds, blushing a little. "You look really peaceful when you sleep."

Tyler thinks he should find it a little creepy that Josh watched him sleep, but instead Tyler finds himself hesitantly pressing his lips against Josh's.

"Sorry," he says immediately, staring at Josh with wide eyes. Josh stares back for a moment before reaching out to touch Tyler's cheek.

"Don't be sorry," he murmurs before leaning in and giving Tyler a chaste kiss. Josh pulls his mouth back, but angles his head so their foreheads are touching. "You're so beautiful," Josh murmurs, staring into Tyler's eyes.

"I don't think I'm the pretty one here," Tyler says. Josh shakes his head.

"Nope," Josh says firmly. "You're the looks of this relationship."

Tyler laughs. "I suppose that makes you the brains?"

"By default, of course." Josh grins at him, eyes soft. "I like it when you smile."

Tyler feels himself blush. "I like it when you smile, too."

 

* * *

 

Things aren't perfect after that. Sometimes Tyler makes mistakes. Sometimes Josh finds him in the bathroom with his fingers down his throat.  

But it's getting better. Sometimes Tyler catches himself. Sometimes he goes to Josh instead of the bathroom. Josh always holds him, calms him down, and if it's needed, wipes his eyes.

He's pretty sure this is progress.

He's pretty sure this is healing.

**Author's Note:**

> Come on. Tell me I'm a horrible person. Because I am.


End file.
